I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
