Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
