The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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