I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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