thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
