I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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