thus making me awesome and them whores
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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