Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
