I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
this hospital has no fireball
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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