Cold hands, warm shart.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
