I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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