i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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