What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
