I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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