Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
