My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
