I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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