you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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