I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
This house was built for laser tag.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
