i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize