Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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