I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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