fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize