I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
