Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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