I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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