i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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