My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
