But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
only if we run a train.
done.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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