You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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