I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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