he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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