So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
