At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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