The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
