I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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