saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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