"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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