I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
