It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
