dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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