I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
