OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
