I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
