so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
