last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
