How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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