WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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