I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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