We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
