I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
