Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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