you traded sex for a burrito?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
