Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
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