fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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