I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Your cock deserves a montage
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
