the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
