where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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