I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
