God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Randomize
