wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
