Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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