Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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