I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
