i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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