i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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