i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
